A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
