I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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