i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
