So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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