Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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