I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
