Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My liver just broke up with me...
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
