Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
