Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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