Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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