My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize