I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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