i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
