mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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