I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
