I just made out with a guy for $7.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
