You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
