1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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