According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
