the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize
