the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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