i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
