I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
