Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
