I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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