just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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