no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
