i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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