i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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