I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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