This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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