my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
