Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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