the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
