some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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