There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
