Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We are two peas in an std pod
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
