I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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