I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
