i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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