party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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