Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
