Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize