After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
