Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
