It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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