Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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