so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
