so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
