Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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