glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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