Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
