I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
