But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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