Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
