So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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